Becka, These past four years have been so blessed because you were a part of it. I still can't believe what I have done and all the damage i have caused. I hope you will eventually find it in your heart to forgive me and maybe one day we can be happy again. I've decided that a blog would be the best way for me to talk to you because you will be able to read this at any time you want and it wont require us to rely on some site not being blocked by the chinese government. There is so much to say but I don't even know where to begin. I can't believe i'm not going to see you for 10-11 months...why did i agreed to this! You know me better than any one else in the world. I don't know how to live my life without you but i guess i'll have to adjust for the next year.
So I don't know whether or not I should give you my jacket back. I'm sorry I keep trying to preserve what we used to have I just don’t know how to act or what to do around you but I guess that problem is gone now. I do hope we get to date again sometime in the future. But don’t feel like im trying to tie you down I don’t expect anything from you for the next year I just hope you can get your life together so hopefully when I do as well maybe we can try dating again. I do plan on going back to therapy when I come back home and I also am going to try to get as much can as I can in china, I figured Pepperdine will have some type of help for the kids who struggle mentally with dealing with life abroad. You know I almost went out and bought a ring today. I thought a last minute desperate hope of a promise ring would give you the faith in us to think maybe we can make it when I get back. I obviously didn’t do it though. Sometimes I wish I just had the balls to do the gooey romantic things I think of. But its probably for the best I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on you especially with all the stress you have been in recently. So I’ve been thinking recently about why I love you. The first thing that pops in my head is nothing. My mind goes straight blank when I ask myself that question. But I always know I have so many reasons and I always wonder why cant I think of them when I ask myself. But then again, I cant think about anything recently so I made myself sit and really think of why do I love you and I came up with this:
You make me want to be a better man
You make me smile when no one else can
You enjoy making me happy
You try to embrace all the things im passionate about
You get me to do things that I normally wouldn’t do but always want to
You wrestle with me
Its never about winning its about having fun when im with you
I have fun with you
You are the only person that actually grasps how sorry I am to you
You care about me
We like all the same shows
We pretty much like all the same foods
You like my cooking
You make me feel appreciated
I know you will be there if I need you
No matter what happens ull always be my friend
When im crying you know not to say anything you know I just want my back to be rubbed
We go off and have lots of adventures together
Your not perfect or claim that you are
You have an amazing dog
You love people and your nice
When you need to be you can be warm and caring
You go along with my crazy plans for the future
you helped get me through highschool
I love your intuition
I love how you keep trying even when all hope is lost
I love how you can still give me butterflies
I love how you want what is best for me
I love how much you used to be in love with me, just knowing that someone could actually care that much for me makes me feel loved
I love how you plan everything out even if it stresses me
I love your face
I love your almond eyes that change color
I love when your eyes are both colors blue on the outer rim and green in the middle
I love your lips they always look perfect even without any lipstick
I love how you freak out over your ears I find it so funny
I love how beautiful you are
I love your long runners legs that lead to your perfect petite butt
(side note, my favorite word to describe your butt…beckoning. it beckons me and its impossible to say without saying your name)
I really like how you have small feet, I don’t know why, but you have cute feet
I love your hair and how you can do anything with it, I love how it can be curly or straight or some sort of crazy
I love how you want me to care about me
I love how you want me to get better
I love how you know what to do when im down
I love how many memories we have and great times we've shared
I love that your not afraid to cry in front of me
I love how you feel safe with me
I love how open you are with me
I love the way your touch feels
I love how smooth your skin is
I love your smell
I love your smile it always makes me smile
I love how much of a badass you are
I love how you come to concerts with me
I love how you learned to love volleyball because I play it
I love your family and how much they love me
I love how you want me to be the best I can be and that you push me to be that person you know I can be
I love how you never give up on me
I love how smart you are
I love how funny you are
But most of all I love that you’re my best friend. What ever happens between us you will always be remembered as my first love and my best friend ever. I love you Rebekah Marie Tobon and I will do anything for you even if it means giving you up.
I love you with all my heart, mind, body, soul. I love you more than Asians love anime, I love you more than lesbians love softball, I love you more than hipsters love being uncool, I love you more than nerds love books, I love you more than you could possibly imagine in the world, the universe and anything that might possibly be larger than the universe but we haven’t discovered yet. I want to raise a family with you and live a happy life with you. I want to grow old with you and die with you and be together in heaven with you for eternity. I love you smooopie and hopefully one day our dreams will become a reality.
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